Solitude

A state in which people are locked in their own heads. Where everything they do makes sense.

I was a young girl when I started to get into computers. Definitely spent a lot of time alone, so I’ve ended up entering adult life with a lot of thoughts that only made sense in my head.

One of them was that solitude is freedom.


Years ago, I read a book called called Steppenwolf. The book talks about Harry Haller, a man who proudly craved solitude. At some point, he says:

“Solitude is independence. It had been my wish and with the years I had attained it. It was cold. Oh, cold enough! But it was also still, wonderfully still and vast like the cold stillness of space in which the stars revolve.”

Maybe independence is the word I couldn’t come up with.


I’d think: I’m on my own, after all. Who could ever possibly stop or judge me? Think about the question. Nobody, right?

It’s just easy to get it all wrong. At that time, of course I was wrong about the answer. I forgot an important person: me. Nobody could ever stop or judge me… Except myself. When you’re alone, you still have your own company – and I’ve neglected this part.

Our minds just cannot handle being open only to ourselves. Inevitably, dark thoughts are made up; however they aren’t perceived as irrational unless you leave your own world.

So it didn’t take longer for me to start judging and stopping myself harder than people could ever do. Does it sound like freedom?

Years after, I don’t think so.